Anniversaries and Celebrating Being

October marks two years that I’ve been writing this blog. I started it for a number of reasons—a fun hobby as I love to write, a semi-structured way to get myself to think about things and a way to hold myself accountable for the things that I want to focus on or change. There is something about putting it “out there,” whether it’s read or not, that encourages me to tow the line to what I say I want and will do. Maybe it ties to the importance I place in integrity.

It has been interesting looking back at some of my early posts. I received encouragement along the way to dig deeper—to really share more of myself then I was previously doing, and though that has been scary and challenging, I have done that. It has definitely stretched me as a person and as a writer to not only put the words to the page, but to click “send.” Yes, I have had several mini heart attacks, but they were all worth it by the feedback I received each time. Not only did what I write matter to me, but I heard from quite a few people that it truly mattered to them and helped them to not feel quite so alone in these feelings. That warmed my heart and made all of my anxiety worthwhile.

As I look to the future, I realize that I never really had a plan for what this would become, but decided to just let it evolve. Two years later, I still feel the same way. This blog will continue to be my musings about life, love, work, relationships and anything else that trips my fancy. I will continue to explore me and the world around me, and will share my observations with the hope that they help more than just me. We are all part of a much bigger whole, and I’m honored by those who read this of the many blogs available.

I’m honored by those who have reached out, to provide feedback, support or to extend a connection. I have deepened some friendships and created some new wonderful relationships through this experience. By taking a chance and doing something that was scary, and continues to be, I have grown. As I learn to open and further expand my heart, I wanted to take the opportunity to sincerely thank each of you for being a part of this wonderful experience. Thank you all for being a part of this!

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Taking Care

A few weeks ago, I brought my dog to the vet for what I expected would be a routine visit. She’s probably close to eleven but in great health—she hikes with me and nothing seems to slow her down.

I saw my vet’s lips move but it took me a few minutes to register what she was saying.

Cancer—BOOM!

Her liver values are really high—we need to take her off the NSAIDs for her severe hip dysplasia immediately and give her some things to try to heal her liver.

BOOM! BOOM!

When I finally took in what she was saying, my head spun. I then engaged and started to ask questions. Lots of them.

I left the office in a stunned shock and drove partway home when the sobs hit. It exploded out of me, and I allowed it. Then I did something unusual. I called my sister, and then I sobbed some more.

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I am lucky to have some wonderful friends that I talk with about almost everything. I’m learning to share more about my feelings, and now I’m practicing in the moment, raw as they may be. I felt a bit uncomfortable, but it was so soothing to feel enveloped in a warm hug of love instead of tackling this alone. It gave me the strength to quickly get from shock and grief to determination—we are going to fight.

WE ARE GOING TO FIGHT.

I got home and realized that I wasn’t exactly in fighting condition myself. I had been sick for over three weeks, first with a bought of bronchitis, then dealing with continued shortness of breath and pretty extreme fatigue. Getting out of bed was an effort, and I’m a pretty high-energy always-on-the-go person.

Now, my dog’s health scares didn’t motivate me to push harder to get well. I had a doctor’s appointment a few days earlier where we ran a battery of tests to try to determine what was going on. However, I realized that in order to care for her, I need to care for me and to focus on getting well. My wellness became more of a priority that I’m focusing on as much as I will on caring for Molli post-surgery.

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I often focus externally in terms of caring for others. It gives me joy to do so, and to be there for someone else. I find this with my friends and also with the hospice volunteering that I do. That joy translates to my feeling good.

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I know I also need to care for myself directly and I must make that a priority as well. As much as I want to hike right now, I know I need my rest more. I’m careful to sleep enough, to rest when I need it and to reach out to people when I can use support. I called a friend and asked her to come over for lunch on the day when Molli was having surgery as I knew I would be worried and would appreciate the distraction.

The old me would never have done that, and I am proud of myself for asking for help.