One Foot In… and Forward

I wrote some of this post a few months ago. It was one of the pieces that I wrote but didn’t plan to post. I write a lot and only a small portion ever lands on the web. I write to process things, I write to release things, and I write to grow. I write because it’s my art, my passion.

A relationship that was important to me ended and though I felt sad and disappointed, I felt it was worth it to hold onto the friendship we developed. Here’s some of what I wrote:

Hindsight is 20:20. It provides a great perspective when you’re able to step back from something to really see the bigger picture. My last relationship was pretty good for the most part. We became good friends and though we had some communication challenges, we both made the effort to learn to do better. We enjoyed each other.

He has a job that requires travel, and he moves every three months for it. We talked about it early on and he said he was willing to stay here longer to be with me to explore this relationship. So I was all in and threw my heart on the table, willing to peel back the layers of defenses to really be in the moment.

I thought he felt the same way, but looking back, I see he only had one foot in. I believe he wanted to be all in, but I don’t feel he was. He loves travel and really didn’t want to give it up. He felt that doing so would be a sacrifice and he really struggled with that. It didn’t have to be all or nothing, but I can’t want something enough for the effort of two.

I cared enough to let him go when I realized how important this was to him, and when I said I needed space for a while before resuming our friendship, he cared enough to let me go. I’m disappointed and sad and I miss him, but I feel this is what I need to be able to enjoy our friendship in a healthy way.

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It’s now several months later. I’d like to think I’m older and wiser. I did take some time, though instead of taking time for myself, I jumped into another relationship that ended up not working out. I was ok with that and ended it when I realized it wasn’t making me happy. Then my cat died. And he was there. I got all caught up in it again, thinking, hoping, feeling.

I allowed it, and I own the result.

“You can only lose what you cling to.” Buddha

Months went by with moments of confusion, happiness, frustration and disappointment. Then it finally happened. I heard the truth. I heard my truth. Like a blinding flash of insight it came and washed over me. I braced myself, thinking it would hurt. But surprisingly it didn’t. It felt freeing. I felt liberated. No longer do I have to carry the weight of this with me anymore. I hadn’t failed, and I didn’t give up. I just realized that it wasn’t meant to be.

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need.” Tao Te Ching

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