Tag Archives: love

A Love Most Precious

My grandmother has always been one of the most important people in my world.  She is such a strong presence in my life and I find myself thinking about her often and what she would do when I make decisions.

As of today, she has been gone for half of my life.

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This has always been my favorite picture of her, 
with her sister at my parents' wedding.

I had a turbulent childhood. My grandmother was always the person that loved me unconditionally. I went to her when I needed a hug, I went to her when I needed love, and I went to her when I needed reassurance. She was in my corner and I never doubted her love and devotion. She was a straight-shooter and didn’t always tell me what I wanted to hear, but did so with honesty and and as much sensitivity as she could muster.

When she died, I was only 21 and didn’t begin to realize the impact her loss would have on me. My heart broke into pieces and I went through my days, but it took me five years to be able to talk about her without bursting into tears and probably ten before I could think of her and smile without any shedding any tears. Though I do tear up occasionally and still feel such a hole in my life. I think of her almost every single day.

It took a long time for me to realize just how special our relationship was, and when I realized, I was so upset that I didn’t recognize it or appreciate it when she was here.

Did I ever thank her? Did I ever tell her I realized and noticed and how much it mean to me?

No. I was a child. I had no understanding that someday she may not be here. Until she wasn’t.

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That kind of love is special, and I cherish it now, always holding it close. And while not every relationship that I have will be that special, I do know what a good relationship is as I’ve had one before, and I do know what doesn’t work for me.

Brene Brown, in her Ted talks and her books shares her mental breakdown spiritual awakening. I adore her for her openness and public vulnerability. Who the hell says that? I respect her for it and think she’s amazing.

When I was a child, I had to be tough to survive the environment. I couldn’t show weakness or it would get me hurt. Vulnerability was a foreign concept and to me, synonamous with weakness. I didn’t cry in front of people and I didn’t express much emotion as anything could be taken away.

But when it came to grandmom, I always had faith in her and her love for me as I knew she’d be there. Nothing could shake that feeling.

Now, I’m learning that it’s ok to wear my heart on my sleeve. And I’ll attract like-minded people for it. I’m learning to love my gentle heart instead of trying to hide it. I don’t hesitate to say “I love you” to the people that I love, as I want to be sure they know in case there’s a time when they are no longer with me.

I love you, Grandmom. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the wonderful gift of your love that I still feel, all these years later. You meant the world to me and always will.

I love you a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck. Always.

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Why I’m Glad My Heart Got Broken

When I was a kid, it seemed my mother’s mantra was, “You wont remember this on your wedding day.”

I never married, and yet I still don’t remember any of the events in my life that would cause her to say that. I do remember her saying it, though, quite often.

Loss is a part of life: we lose jobs, we lose friendships, we lose lovers, we lose cherished pets and we lose other connections that take a piece of us every time they go.

If we’re lucky, they leave an even bigger part of their heart within us.

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I recently ended a relationship, and I have decided to put my over-charged analytic mind to rest for now to focus on what is important. Instead of dissecting every part of our relationship trying to find answers that no one can give, I am going to just be.

I choose to forgive and to be grateful for the experience of all the wonderful gifts that I received when we were together. He showed me my capacity to love, my willingness, albeit awkwardly, to communicate and to share my feelings and thoughts, my ability to open my heart to someone else and the amazing pleasures of doing so. Along with the fear, opening my heart brought me great joy.

Offering my love to someone else expanded my heart. I’m grateful that I loved enough to have my heart broken.

Whenever I feel the pull of my vacillating emotions, I close my eyes and breathe.

At the end of the day, I don’t really need to understand why.

What I know is that I am loved, and that I am worthy of that love.

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